I've Won Lots of Medals

It's important when producing a blog that you constantly refresh it with frequent posts, at least once a week and the oftener the better. The problem with that imperative is the necessity of having  something compelling to say. It makes it much more interesting to the reader (to paraphrase Steve Martin in PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES).

Unfortunately, I sometimes find myself blanking out when it comes to conjuring intriguing topics for my horde of readers. After exhausting the most obvious topics about 15 posts ago, I've found myself staring at an empty screen more often than not. But I've found an answer:

I ask my wife!

She may not be a professional writer, but she has lots of good ideas for stories...and blog topics. In fact, one of my most successful posts was one of her ideas: starting a garden. Pretty damn good! And so I went to her again and she inspired this post, which cuts to the heart of my modest success as a writer.

As a competitive runner for the past three decades, I've amassed an enormous collection of medals. I display these tokens by looping them around a gas pipe in the basement and in front of the table where I do my writing so that they're never out of my line of sight.

These medals point up similarities with my writing. They show that, like writing, I've been running a long time. They show the wide variety of races in which I've competed, like the various media in which I've written over the past 40 years. What the medals don't show, however, are specific victories.

The medals handed out at races are called "finisher medals." It means you finished the race--that's all. And I do finish races. Of the hundreds of races in which I've competed, there was only one that I didn't finish, which was more than 20 years ago.

The same holds true with my writing. I have started and finished six books, and am working on a seventh that I will certainly finish. I don't get a medal for finishing a book, but a do get a hefty Word file and plenty of rejection notes to mark the existence of my work.

Finishing is good. I know plenty of people who have started writing books and never finish them. And many fine writers who are afraid of even starting a book. There's satisfaction in finishing a long complex project like a novel, just like there's a certain elation to training, competing and finishing a marathon.

Sure, it's not the same thing as winning a race or signing a publishing contract, but it is something special. You've accomplished something difficult that few people would even consider undertaking. There's a certain consolation in that.

And it's something I think about when I look up at my gas pipe and its jam-packed row of finisher medals.

The Annoying Sound of Crickets

In the stillness of the night, not a sound to be heard but the stridulation of crickets. So relaxing, such a peaceful song with which to end your day. Nature's lullaby.

I'm so not talking about that!

This is about the slangy usage of the term "crickets." As in a non-reaction to a given stimulus. Such as a riotously funny joke that evokes not even a titter from the audience. Such as the dead silence that overtakes a staff meeting when the boss insists on a brainstorming session. Such as why did you think I wanted a vacuum cleaner for my birthday?

I've sent out dozens of query letters and samples for my novel, COME THE HARPIES. What do you think has been the predominant response from my target agents? That's right. Crickets!

Years of honing the manuscript and draft after draft of query letters and plot summaries only to be met with a wall of indifference. What to do? This video helps explain why writers do not often hear back from agents.

According to the video hosts, the number one reason agents do not respond to queries is because they haven't read them! Other reasons include the possibility that your query is not compelling, the recipient isn't interested in your book, or he or she may be on the fence about whether to request more material from you.

For my own sanity, I will assume that my book is worthy and my query letter stellar, thus making myself believe that my queries are simply not being read. That being the case, I'll take the video host's advice and send out follow-ups to all my non-responders. Many follow-ups. I mean MANY MANY FOLLOW-UPS! I will be heard! Email is free! I dare them to spam me!

Crickets is the ugliest non-sound in the world for us writers. 

Stop Writing!

Write something every day. That's what the wise people of words constantly advise writers if they ever want to become really good. On its face, it seems like a reasonable suggestion.

As the old joke goes: How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice! And it was Malcolm Gladwell who said that it takes at least 10,000 hours to master anything: from a foreign language, to a musical instrument, to brain surgery. Maybe even writing. Heck, I've been writing professionally for about 40 years, so that's way more than 10,000 hours. But I'd be the last person to claim that I've mastered the written word!

So write every day. That's what other writers say, what writing instructors say, and what publishers say. In fact, you can download apps that provide daily ticklers that prompt you to write in case you forget.

I don't, however, think people should write every day. There are way too many writers in the world, and not enough readers. So why bother? Writing is hard and there are many other productive ways to spend your time than toiling over an unruly manuscript. I'm a gardener now!

But if you must write, make sure you have a purpose. What do you hope to accomplish? BE REALISTIC!

For example, if you're like me, with hopes of being published, be ready for lots of disappointment. The competition is brutal, those doing the judging (agents and editors) make decisions that are often arbitrary and capricious, and the pay is terrible even if you manage to land a book contract.

A more realistic goal is to self-publish. You will get to see your handiwork in print, but most likely you won't sell anything. With few exceptions, most self-published books suck and don't generate much of an audience. Your best bet is to "sell" your book for free on Smashwords.

Maybe you feel a need to write every day because you have a consuming passion to express yourself. You may even have a flair for words. By all means, write away, join a writing group that reads their stuff to each other, take an adult creative writing class. Then file your essays/stories away and start working on the next one. Make writing an intellectual and emotional outlet and don't make others read your stuff!

This is hardly inspirational and I apologize for that. The thing is, writing well is grueling and humbling and not much different than learning needlepoint or mudding a perfect Sheetrock seam. It's true that becoming a good anything takes practice--my writing's improved a lot over the years.

But being a good writer, or even a great writer, does not mean you'll be a published writer. So write every day if you feel you must. Just don't let your hopes and dreams get the best of you.

Planting a Garden

Querying agents and publishers is mostly about waiting. 

After researching appropriate agents for my book and composing the perfect query letter, everything else is a waiting game. It takes very little time to personalize the query and click send on the agent email. 

As a writer, I could always productively use that time to resume work on another unfinished novel or write a poem or a book review on Goodreads. Or clean the bathrooms or vacuum the living room. Or watch TV or go for a walk.

Or plant a garden. Yes, plant a garden! Everyone's planting gardens! People have grown fat from baking bread and are raising saddle sores from riding their new bicycles. So now they're planting vegetable gardens. So natural, so Zen, so one with earth, so marvelous an outlet for restless Americans! So metaphorical with respect to life and rebirth and fertility! Just so...exclamation point! 

We are all planting gardens. Including me. 

Skeptics who hang on my every word will note in my bio (to the right of this post ) my aversion to gardening. But for months there was a box with five varieties of vegetable seeds sitting in my kitchen. The instructions said that the time to plant those seeds is NOW!

Yuck. Dirt, flies, weeds, stones, shovels, heavy bags of soil. But there I was, dropping tiny little seeds into little pots with burlap sides and within days witnessing shoots of various shapes and sizes thrusting through the perlite. That was nice, I guess. And then yesterday I was shown by my garden-hound wife how to fill large pots with soil mixtures and daintily transplant my shoots that, over time, will reward my efforts with tasty cucumbers, beets, radishes, lettuce, and onions. 

That is if I water them enough. If the sun doesn't kill them. If the deer don't eat them. Nature is remorseless, but I refuse to lapse into the metaphor jungle on that score. 

So, am I a gardening convert? Do I see myself volunteering at the local community garden? No, I'm not really a nature boy--mainly, I fear nature. It's that nature is so uncontrollable and apolitical. Nature is physics, chemistry, and biology--it will not bargain with you. As the saying goes, "Don't mess with Mother Nature." I do hope to literally taste the fruits of my dirt endeavor, but if it doesn't work out, that's fine too. I'm up against formidable natural forces.

But it sure beats sitting around waiting for the next book rejection.

How to Pitch a Novel

I'll be pitching my novel at the annual Writer's Digest Conference on August 13th--if there is an annual Writer's Digest Conference on August 13th!

What this means is I will have one-on-one sessions with about a half-dozen book agents with the hope of convincing them to consider my book for representation. And I will have 90 seconds to make my pitch.

I've been honing my pitch for over a year and will continue honing and rewriting until the book is finally picked up. My current pitch includes an opening "hook" that describes what my book is about and its intended audience. This is followed by a brief plot summary and how my book is different from the usual stories of its kind. It goes like this:

COME THE HARPIES is a timely, action-packed satire with YA/adult crossover appeal. It imagines a U.S. 56 years in the future based on what’s happening right now.

Our hero Egon Pace is a shy senior at White Castle High and a total misfit in the violent polluted world of 2076. Inspired by his rebel dad, Egon hates the things that America loves most.  Shooting guns, leading Yakker troops in foreign mercenary operations, and breeding as young as 14 to repopulate a nation ravaged by environmental disease and endless war. 

Egon’s attitude makes him a target at school. He’s constantly dodging bullets, bullies and fists. When Lynette, the girl he loves, is nearly murdered in the halls, Egon snaps and fights back hard. 

But when he’s discovered with a banned book from his dad that reveals the truth behind America’s path to apocalypse, Egon realizes his days are numbered. As the state comes after him, Egon and Lynette bolt to a fabled utopian nation in the west. It’s a race for freedom…a race for survival.  

This all sounds pretty dark, but COME THE HARPIES is not your typical gloom and doom dystopian downer. Often it veers into hilarious farce as it depicts our poor twisted nation and the buffoons in charge as it circles the drain.  

I’d compare it to what the young heroes go through in the Shusterman novel, Dry, set in The Uninhabitable Earth.

This does time out a little long, but if my pitch is indeed cut off at 90 seconds, I can always leave out the last paragraph. Or figure out how to cut 20 words.

Or talk real fast!

In Times Like These...

So why should anyone be interested in my book when our attention should be focused on all the horrible things happening in the world today?

Given my current obsession, I reframe that question in the context of "Why should any agent care about some novel by an unknown author when everyone's distracted by what may be the onset of apocalypse?"

The simple answer: my book is all about what's going on today. As described in my query letter, COME THE HARPIES is "a timely, action-packed satire that imagines an America fifty-six years in the future based on what's happening around us right now."

It has one superpower (China) decimated by a viral pandemic. Another superpower (America) ruled by white nationalist corporate elites who have reintroduced black slavery, rescinded all environmental and gun laws, and features a climate-driven apocalypse.

It sounds pretty dark, but it's not your typical gloom-and-doom dystopian novel because there's a lot of laughs sprinkled in as it depicts our poor twisted nation as it circles the drain.

You may think that people are depressed enough about what's going on in the world that they don't need to be reminded how it could get even worse by reading a book like mine. And, in fact, one agent rejected it for that very reason. "But it's funny," I replied. He wasn't buying.

But I think he's wrong. Sales of dystopian novels go up in dystopian times. When people are going through a difficult period, books like 1984, Brave New World, The Stand, and Handmaid's Tale fly off the shelves. I don't get it, but they do. One of my readers even noted, "It's rather ironic that I found your book to be a welcome escape at a time when many of the dystopian situations reflected in its pages are dangerously manifesting in real life..."

I think many readers think along the same lines. One of the largest and most active groups on Goodreads focuses on dystopian novels. There are literally thousands of members--they can't seem to get enough of this stuff.

Maybe agents are tired of seeing apocalyptic story submissions, but there's a hungry audience for them out there. At least I hope.

What to Report When There's Nothing to Report

These days of Covid-19 all-day every day on cable news, in the daily papers and on peoples' lips have created an unpleasant monotony that sours life around us. As the worst thing that has happened to the world in our lifetime, the pandemic has squeezed out all the other things that may be worth taking up in the national conversation.

Other news, if there is other news, is drowned out by constant talk of infections, death tolls, vaccines,  economic disaster, social distancing, face masks, re-openings, re-closings, ventilators, first responders, crushing curves, lockdowns and on and on. My one refuge, professional sports, is dead. My teams are not even playing. The best sports on TV right now is a 10-part documentary highlighting the Michael Jordan Bulls-run of championships...way back in the 1990s! And I hated the Bulls!

We are living in a period of suspended animation. Even the various wars that took up space on the front page seem to be on hold, anything happening in the arts is on hold, publishers and film companies are putting new releases on hold, even the November election seems to be on hold, even though it isn't (so far). Covid is taking up all the oxygen and there's precious little else to talk about.

Even this blog, which is about my publishing effort, doesn't have much to report. Seems that I'm in good shape: strong manuscript, good query letter, and a long list of potential agents to approach. This week 10 more submissions go out.

But the gorilla in the room is the August 14-16 Writer's Digest Conference in New York City, where I will be pitching my book to seven or eight agents--if Covid-19 doesn't cancel the event. These in-person encounters make me uncomfortable, but they usually result in a request for manuscript pages, probably because it may be awkward for an agent to turn down a writer in person. It's much easier to do a kiss-off via email.

I'll spend the next couple of weeks perfecting my pitch and the following months practicing my delivery so that it sounds relatively natural by August. Two hundred words of pure torture. Given the static situation in the world, I have plenty of time to terrify myself over the prospect.